Modern Christian Music

So I was at Alleluia Catholic Bookstore today in Kent. Beautiful little store, decent book selection, great art and trinkets and miscellany. Also enough Catholic paraphernalia to exorcize a whole legion (get it? nudge nudge) a whole legion of demons and decorate a large parish or small cathedral.

I got a copy of last week’s National Catholic Register (they had an article about Star Trek… don’t judge ME!). An essay collection called Why Humanae Vitae was Right. The more I look the more I agree with that assessment. Hell, in a couple of years I am going to divorce my wife and marry my dog – and who says I can’t? By what standard? Ha ha! And then I will take over the congress and appoint a horse as a member.

It was a horse was it not?

And lastly I got another Bible. I fear I may be one of the creepy class of people I never understood… THE COLLECTOR. I love Bibles (except the cheap paperback kind, you buy James Patterson in paperback (although preferably not at all (double parenthetic! (no, triple,(no….)))) and I didn’t have a little hand held one. It is the Saint Joseph edition of the NAB.

It is new. I have yet to find a nice old, old one. One thing I would also like is one that is just a Bible. I have, already, 10 Bibles that are all chock full of commentary and I have over 300 theological books in my library. I would like one that is purely Bible.

Anyway to the subject at hand. Oh, and the salesman there was the nicest of gentlemen, Luis, go visit him sometime if you are in the area, he works Mondays and Thursdays. Anyway the entire time I am browsing the store’s radio is on some modern Christian MOR pop station.

Arf. It just puts lead on the old saying, “the devil has the best music”. Because if what I was hearing in that store was God’s, His taste in music is AWFUL. All the songs sound like dreary, ineptly reconstituted lyrics from all the depressing parts of the Psalms done in a pancake flat watered down almost, kinda country sorta like sound.


More like a merge with other lanes onto the same road. But here is a question: why can’t Christian music kick ass? No. NO!!! I am not talking Creed, you son of a bitch! And I am not talking about some Metallica sounding band grumbling “S-S-s Sanctifya!”

On that level why can’t these people be more like Lafferty’s Catholicism and not so much like Lewis’ Narnia. You might be engrossed in a Lafferty story and have to have someone else bring out the deeply theological theme for you (I know, I’ve needed it done for me) but even the dumbest James Patterson (if you’re offended, improve your reading tastes) reader doesn’t fail to grasp, and pretty easily, that Aslan is Christ.

You can argue, and you would be correct, that Narnia is for children, while Lafferty is clearly not. But this music is not for children either. It is for adults.

Think about it, there are kick ass writers, movies, art. But music? What is all this saltless water?

Years and years ago I was having a conversation with an Objectivist acquaintance of mine (we were both Randians) and he had a particular dislike of the rock band AC/DC, while I have been always quite fond of them on account that I’ve never been able to keep my knuckles off the ground when I walk. He considered them some sort of particular threat to society (at least that was the impression he gave) the nadir of civilization. He was opposed to the monotonous drum beat, the three chords, the loudness, the wail of the singer, and the banality of the lyrics, not to mention the crudity.

He did give them credit for being primitive enough to invent the single entendre.

Then he made the comment that this was in the nature of rock music, that it was intrinsically a lower level of music and a sign of cultural disintegration.

People laugh at Randians, but man do we come up with some nifty ideas!

After hotly detesting this, I took a wider, technological track outside the direct purview of music. Rock music was the direct effect of an advance in technology, namely, the electric guitar. No electric guitar, no rock.

Now I posited to him. Imagine that our society was Objectivist, Randian since 1820. Let’s posit that Ayn Rand was born a hundred and fifty years before she actually was. My buddy was talking to a science-fictioneer, ya know. And let’s say the world was instantly under her sway. Religion fell like the dinosaur, communism never could be, all people are the reason worshippers we all talk about. We are in a complete free market utopia, science rules the day, etc, etc, etc.

Still the electric guitar and amplified music in general will be born. Are you to tell me (and the band in discussion certainly were not the first) that a couple of shaggy 5-footers aren’t going to plug those things in, turn the amps up real high and bang and scream away. And that no one will like it? That we will all sit there with our tea and crumpets and turn up our noses and call the police down?

Would anything be different? Well a lot. Let’s not even do the whole Randian alternative future – that was merely the form I had the conversation in. Let’s say a Les Paul came up with the electric guitar in 1885 or even 1910. Yeah, it would be a lot different. We probably would have had a lot more years of Blueberry Hill and You Keep a Knockin’ before we got to Big Balls and Slide it In (that very tacky song, can you guess what it means? is courtesy of Zeppelin wannabes Whitesnake).

Assuming, of course, a downward trajectory of culture. I mean we are inarguably on that, but I was referring to my alternate timeline.

So, I repeat. Why is Christian music so terribly lame? It is not the subject matter. Most of the stuff I grew up listening to (I was a metal head in the 80’s) I couldn’t tell what the hell they were saying.

Just an idle thought. I never pursued “Objectivist” artists when I was an Objectivist, and, if I ever became Christian, I wouldn’t seek out Christian music either. The Christmas stuff (love the Rudolph song, ha ha) the choir stuff, a lot of it is great. But that modern radio stuff. Stuff it.


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